The month after my partner and I split was emotionally turbulent. I had set the intention, in the relationship closure ceremony, to let myself feel it ALL. That meant crying when I felt the tears coming (which literally felt like every two seconds there for awhile), rage when I felt like raging (yelling in my car usually did the trick) and wallow if I felt like it (and I really did). I thought to myself countless times that some day, somehow, I will wakeup without major puffy eyes!
LESSON #9: Move the emotional energy when it rises as much as possible so you don’t have to be surprised by it later on down the road. Real time emotions can be intense, but they pass so much faster than letting them fester for years on end.
As anyone might expect, there were some very low moments in those early months.
Between the uncertainty of how I was going to pay rent on my own, the gaping hole in my life that my partner used to fill, living in the same apartment...alone and being *very* far away from my closest support system, I am humbled to think back to what I was navigating all at once.
LESSON #10: Always stop to pause and acknowledge your own strength, power and resilience, even if you’re crying while doing it. You’re a badass and you deserve it.
I asked for help. A lot of it. I asked for financial support. A lot of it. I asked for emotional space to say all the things. A lot of it. I asked for extensions to pay my rent. A lot of them. I asked for hugs when I had the gift of in person support. A lot of them.
LESSON #11: It is MORE THAN OKAY to ask for help. A lot of it.
Then there came a moment while sitting in the gym parking lot talking to my parents about six weeks post-breakup where I said, “Oh my God, I need another way to navigate all of this or else I’m going to drown in my own tears.” To which my mom answered,
“Krystal, when are you gonna get pissed about all of this? WHY AREN’T YOU ANGRY?”
It was as if she asked me how to build a rocket that would fly to Saturn. I had no idea. Why hadn’t I been angry about being put in this position? My inner good girl, spiritual, dogmatic one inside was blaming myself. “I should’ve seen it coming.” “I chose to stay in the apartment, it’s my own doing.” “I should’ve chosen better.” “I should be able to figure this out.”
The truth was: Everything about this situation stunk to high heaven and I was allowed to be pissed. Thank you very much.
LESSON #12: Should-ing on yourself DOES NOT HELP YOU pretty much ever. Shoulda-coulda-woulda. Who cares. What’s done is done. What do I need right now? And how can I ask it of myself with compassion, gentleness, softness and understanding?
LESSON #13: Letting yourself feel angry does not negate the good parts of someone you love. However, keeping at bay how they impacted you helps no one, especially you.
LESSON #14: Keeping other people’s secrets about how they showed up with you is not your job. It’s dysfunctional and codependent in nature. Tell the truth, from your heart, about your experience from your own perspective because guess what? Your truth counts, too.
I let myself be angry. Really, really ANGRY. I wrote fiery spoken word poetry. I danced the rage out. I drove a little too fast down the 57. I didn’t flash a smile to strangers out of obligation. It’s amazing what a rebellion it felt like. I let myself take up space in my anger. I owed nothing to no one.
I felt free. I felt honest. I felt unleashed. And it felt GOOD.
LESSON #15: Not only was finding my anger POWERFUL, but it also helped me find my POWER.
It was as if, by April, I woke up out of a trauma haze. It was a haze that brought up an old pattern of self-blame where I told myself everything that was happening was my fault and my responsibility to fix it.
It was the day yet another rent payment was getting paid late. I was on the phone with a close friend and as I was crying in despair and embarrassment about not knowing what the heck I was going to do and she replied, “Krystal, have you considered asking him to pay his half? He is on the lease, isn’t he?”
Ya know, its strange looking back on this conversation because it’s so obvious but, I genuinely defaulted into “I gotta fight through and figure this out all by myself” mode that I truly didn’t even consider that I could hold him accountable for his portion of the rent. Ironically, too, I had already paid half of the rent that month and the other half was waiting to be paid. Funny how things work out that way, eh?
I broke the silence between us with a very clear and direct text saying, “Hey, I’m gonna need you to pay the remainder of the rent for April due by 6p tonight.” I clearly outlined how the remainder of the lease could go, including how we could end the lease early and his part in the process.
Needless to say, he did not contribute financially, as expected.
However, standing up to him and standing up for me was the point of it all. I found my power that day. And thank God for it because I’ve been using it every day since.
LESSON #16: Standing up for yourself is a good thing.
Going into 2019, my intuition told me that I would be in that apartment until June that year. Sure enough, by May, I was getting intuitive guidance on where I was meant to move next. It was between three intuitive choices: Orange County by the ocean. Seattle. Cleveland. All three places had water, my people and felt easy, three core factors in deciding anything major in my life.
When it came down to it, ease won.
It felt easiest on all fronts to move back to my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. Talk about unexpected! What a gift, though, to go back to a place so familiar at a time when familiar was medicine.
LESSON #17: Having a home to return to is a profound gift. Not everyone can do that or even has that option. If you can return home to family or your hometown, even if you never choose it, consider yourself very privileged. Gratitude is in order.
On Easter Sunday, I called my “little” sister and told her of my three options and within minutes of me sharing about the possibility of returning home to live in Cleveland, we were buzzing with excitement and giggling like we were ten years old! That’s always a good sign in my book. I turned around as I was talking with her on the phone and a big flash of light happened in the very same spot I quite literally saw an angel only a few months prior and I excitedly said to her,
“OMG, OMG...I JUST SAW AN ANGEL! That’s it! That’s all I need. Decision made. I’m moving to Cleveland!”
Within two weeks of that very conversation, every piece of furniture was sold with absolute ease and magic, all of my other items were donated across 12+ carloads to Goodwill and my car was packed up for a solo cross-country road trip across the beautiful US of A. The Universe delivered me a beautifully harmonious way to get out of my lease early with no extra charge to me (aside from move out costs) and I was on my way.
LESSON #18: When it’s right, it’s easy. When it’s time, it’s easy. When it’s aligned, it’s easy. Period.
LESSON #19: Keep listening and let the magic come straight to you, darling.
LESSON #20: You’ll know when you know. Until then, release the incessant worry, trust the process as much as you possibly can and ground yourself over and over and over again. What’s the point of ordering up guidance if you’re never *home* to receive it?
Read “Moving On: Part 3 - Road Trip USA” here
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