MOVING ON: Part 3 - Road Trip USA

Convertible packed and ready to hit the road from California to Ohio!

READ “MOVING ON: Part 1” HERE

READ “MOVING ON: PART 2” HERE

You know how in Google Maps, there’s the global view and then you can double click to the country wide view, then zoom in, zoom in again, zoom in again and again and again? Consider this RoadTrip USA piece my country level of zoom, k? 

Here’s why: Within each day, within each state, within each hour and minute and second, the level of richness of this 8-day solo journey of healing was beyond anything I could expect. The intuitive downloads, the unbelievable beauty, the silent nature moments roadside, the depth of tears as I drove, the unbelievable pain in my body from driving countless hours, the anticipation of in-person hugs and time spent with soul friends after some very lonely, arduous, heart-breaking, yet empowering months was so off the charts that trying to condense them into one written piece would indeed dishonor said richness. 

My path I would take for my cross country journey took form over the same two weeks that my furniture swiftly found new homes. It changed forms probably 20 times at least. “Should I go to the Grand Canyon, because...well...when in Arizona!” “I should probably avoid the Rockies in a convertible full with the contents of my life.” “Maybe I’ll see them and them and them and them...or maybe just like 4-5 of them.”

“Krystal. Calm it down a bit. Ease, remember?”

Lesson #21: Anxiety lives outside this moment. When I would get (severely) anxious and up in my head, I would take a moment, ground myself, take a deep breath and say to myself, “I surrender this anxiety and worry to the Divine. No, seriously...I really do. Show me the right path for me. Please and thank you. I love you. May this be soooo, soooo easy for me.”

Naturally, the right path for me locked into place (because it always does!):

Brea, California → Goodyear, Arizona → Albuquerque, New Mexico → Denver, Colorado (with surprise trip to Boulder) → Omaha, Nebraska → Iowa City, Iowa → DeKalb, IL → Chicago, IL → Cleveland, Ohio

I was Ohio bound before I knew it! I handed in my keys to the apartment having done a letting go ceremony the night before. I thanked it for being an incubator for growth, love and transformation for me, my ex and all those who stayed with us. It really, truly was such a precious corner of the world. It was beautiful, sooo quiet and precious to me. I fought to keep that apartment with every creative and relentlessly tenacious cell in my body, mind, heart and spirit and I felt like we had bonded in a major way. I’m so grateful to those ~1,200 sq ft and who I got to become living within those sacred walls.

If ever there were a dream car that I would want to do a cross-country road trip in, it was the one I was already leasing.

Lesson #22: It is W I L D how life unfolds for you when you’re willing to jump on your unicorn raft already floating down the “Easy River” and let those currents carry you to exactly where you were already designed to be. 

I had packed up my Diamond White Mercedes Benz C300 Cabriolet with cranberry seats with all my possessions which strategically had to fit inside this very small car with a very small trunk. I felt like a minimalist badass strategist (a la Tetris Master) and felt extreme satisfaction that my whole life fit inside this car. I kept all my rising-in-Cancer necessities: Journals. Spices. Clothes. Blankets. Pillows. Shoes. There’s something that never quite leaves you after you pack your belongings in a backpack like I did in Bali for two months in 2014. It’s a certain kind of satisfying and I highly encourage every human, especially my fellow Americans, to sell your sh*t, let it all go and enjoy the absolute freedom of being teather-less at least once in your life. 

Before I left California, I stopped by a client and soul sister’s house, Cassandra, to give her one last hug before I journeyed east.

Last drop off at Goodwill before I headed out of town!

Cassandra sending me off with a big hug and a gorgeous rose to keep me company!

She gifted me two absolutely GORGEOUS roses from her rose garden to keep me company for my drive. Most flowers in the area had bloomed like never before after the abnormally abundant rainfall that blessed southern California that winter and spring. She also gave me a sweet little gift bag with an aromatic candle, a teeny self-care book and some bubbly to help me settle in when I arrived to Ohio. We chatted a bit as we celebrated all the dreams she had brought to life since our coaching work in 2018 and then she sent me off with a big, big hug with a mutual side of tears. I love you, Cassandra!

Phew! I was really doing this. This is happening. Wow. Okay, I got this. Me, my journals, my sweet rose friends, my car and the open road. Let’s do this! Ohio, here I come! 

The feelings I had leaving Brea, which had been my home for nearly two years, were bittersweet. It was like 30% sad, 70% elated-excited-relieved-ready. Travel has always been so incredibly healing for me so it felt like the exact medicine I needed to shed some heavy, armored layers that had built up trying to keep it together on my own. At each state border crossing, I envisioned each of those heavy layers falling off my shoulders as I crossed each state line in the form of multi-colored capes, forever releasing that which served me but no longer did. Most of all, I felt so proud of myself. I did it. I made it through. I really did it.

Lesson #23: Be friggin’ proud of yourself, especially when life deals you a big pile ‘o poo. Perhaps, in the end, that’s the point: Dig yourself out of said pile of poo just so you can see how AWESOME you are.

I arrived into Goodyear, AZ about 5 hours later which was a perfect first travel day. My dear friend, Natalie, was hosting me for the night which gave us plenty of time to spend hours catching up on alllllll the things. We’ve always been able to effortlessly chat and connect on all levels of life for hours. Seeing as quality time is my top love language, girl time is my favorite! Seeing who we’ve both evolved into over the last 5 years of knowing each other has been a total gift! I was so grateful for this time together. We decided to go get some pizza at a friend of a friend’s pizza shop that served us not only delicious pizza, but also several more magical, synchronous moments, all of which were continued confirmation that I was exactly where I needed to be. 

Natalie and I high on life (and delicious pizza!) in Phoenix!

Lesson #24: When magic and synchronicity speaks, listen. Honor it. Revere it’s divinity. It’s God talking straight to your beautiful, courageous, ease-questing heart.

The next day I hopped into my “Higher Self Mobile” (the name of my car) and headed east towards Denver. My ambitious, over-achiever brain genuinely thought it might be possible to drive from Goodyear to Denver in one day (think: 14 hours including stops) but my body very clearly said, “Girl, you’re crazy. I’m not doing that.” I listened, naturally. I got myself a hotel room in Albuquerque, NM which was a delight to my tired body. Main objective: Stretch. Shower. Ground. Sleep. 

I woke up to a cold and rainy New Mexico spring day with reports of snow in the exact direction I was headed. First thought, “I got this. I’m a hearty midwesterner with plenty of Ohio winters under my belt.” Second thought, “My car has quite literally never seen snow before. Hmmm?” Thankfully and divinely, I had gotten my car tuned up and check on BEFORE I left for a 2,500 mile road trip (cuz #selfcare) and found out that my run flat tires were nearly bald which I promptly got replaced with the INCREDIBLE hookup from a friend and previous team member at the tire distribution company I worked at for 5 years before taking the leap to Bali and Cali. Talk about yet another sign of how supported I was on this journey of saying yes to the highest path of ease!

Good thing I brought a scarf!

Frozen trees in New Mexico. Talk about contrast from Southern California!

The “Higher Self Mobile’s” first introduction to ice and snow.

The snow and sleet was a familiar thrill of sorts and my car handled it like a boss. Snowy desert evolved into hilly terrain where I paused for a crisp, fresh grounding stretch break with an impromptu meditation hillside overlooking thousands of evergreen trees backed by bright blue skies and fluffy fall-like clouds. Deeeeeep breath in, deeeeeep exhale out. Wow. This country is STUNNING. It was as if I blinked and I was in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I wasn’t, but would be soon!

I arrived into Denver later that day after some of THE MOST BEAUTIFUL natural views I’ve likely ever taken in.

Arizona. Need I say more?

I had to pull over to take it in. So quiet. Ancient spirits abounds. Stunning.

10ft + cacti. Incredible.

Lesson #25: It is an absolute, profound privilege to live in the United States of America. We’re going through some growing pains, no doubt. And...that will never eclipse the gift that it is to live in such a vast, abundant, varied country - and I’m talking just terrain/climate alone! Not to mention the people, the culture, the endless opportunities. If you have the privilege of being an American citizen or spending time within the US borders...please, I beg you, go see this country. Drive it. Bike it. RV it. Walk it if you have to.

Go. See. This. Country. 

I stayed with a family friend, Lauren, and her fiancé, in their sweet home in Denver. I planned to stay just about two days to decompress, sleep, rest and meander. They were such kind hosts and even invited me to a sound healing event that Lauren was doing that Sunday. So perfect! 

To add to the synchronous perfection of my time in Denver, my wonderful friend, Josh, just so happened to be near the area that I was staying for a conference that weekend and was available for dinner that night! SO FUN. It was so amazing to see him in person after a solid four years, especially as he was a newlywed to his beloved, Carrie. It was such a joy to catch up on all the changes life had brought us in the first five months of 2019.

Natalie, Lauren and I after a delicious dinner together in their home!

Had to pause to take it in.

A beautifully synchronous meetup with my dear friend, Josh!

The next day, after I was feeling more rested and less achy, I realized that Boulder was way closer than I thought. I took the gorgeous, gorgeous, GORGEOUS drive from Denver to Boulder and just took it in. This was one of those days where the tears were readily available at just how beautiful the terrain out my windshield was. It sank right into my heart. 

I decided to pop into Whole Foods to grab some snacks for the day and the upcoming drive. I parked my car, got out and heard, “Krystal?” coming from the car pulling into the spot next to my car. “TJ? Whaaaaat in the worrrrrlllldddd are you doing here?” You cannot make this stuff up. Of all the moments, of all the parking lots, of all the places, I end up running into a fellow heart-centered entrepreneur that I know from my time living in Encinitas. He moved to Boulder a few years ago and was now living there with his girlfriend and was popping into Whole Foods for a gig he was doing. The odds! It was so great to see him and have a great laugh together at how crazy it was that we crossed paths! 

TJ and I magically crossing paths in Boulder!

Spring in full bloom in Boulder. Stunners!

Can you even with these views?!

As if I need to say it at this point, Boulder was magic. The houses were adorable. The people were so nice. It was a gorgeous, mountain-y, spring day. The air was fresh, the sky blue and it had such a small town feel. I ended up connecting with my soul sister friend, Mary Catherine, on the phone for this super potent TWO HOUR convo walking the streets of Boulder. When the Universe brings the two of us together to connect, it feels like all the divine feminine energy in the friggin’ galaxy channels itself through our bodies and its pure electricity and resonance. This trip brought me to ALL the people that were the most healing for me to spend time with. 

After a relaxing and nourishing sound bath and a good night’s sleep (Thank you so much, Lauren and Natalie!), I headed out super early to get myself a latte and inch my way closer to Ohio. The dynamic, multi-dimensional, fascinating landscape of the last four days of travel suddenly turned into what seemed like the flat, drab, nothingness of Nebraska. No disrespect to those who love and live in Nebraska. For me, though, the contrast was brutal on my mind and body. The hours were crawling where they were flying by before and my body ached down to the bone. I couldn’t find a comfortable way to sit because the very pressure of the seat on my back, bum and thighs was literally painful.

To put it frankly, Nebraska almost broke me. 

Its been confirmed: Windmills still freak me out.

I called anyone who would pick up their phone. I literally called like five friends and/or family members and naturally, just when you’re hitting critical mass, no one picks up. And then I just lost it. I cried and cried and cried. I had to slow down because I could barely see through my own tears. I screamed it out. I was pissed that Nebraska was so unspectacular. I was angry that I was out in the middle of the god forsaken country, by myself, because my ex chose what he chose and I had to deal with the fall out, including having to move clear across the country! GRRRR!

I let myself dip into victim mode because I knew the absolute exhaustion of past four days and the last six months had finally caught up to me.

Those emotions and that energy needed to move up and out of my body. It was no longer mine to carry. My body was only letting me drive 6 hours that day, which felt like 25, and I promptly found myself the most inexpensive single room airbnb for the night with check-in available in the next hour. 

The level of exhaustion was unmatched, not even by the 33 hour travel “day” from Cleveland to Bali. I cried on the phone with my parents wishing I could just be there already. The rest of the drive felt like the most daunting, impending tidal wave that was gonna hit no matter what I did. “Krystal, take a shower and get some rest. You’ll feel so much better tomorrow,” my dad said. I knew he was right. The thought of the 15 foot walk to the bathroom from my room felt like climbing Mount Everest. 

“What happened to my life?” I thought. “How am I in the middle of Nebraska in a stranger’s home by myself with the contents of my life packed in my car?” It was too much.

My heart felt so broken by it all and I missed my partner so much. He would’ve loved this drive. We would’ve loved to do it together. But all we did was talk about doing something like this. It wasn’t gonna happen together. It had to happen this way for whatever unknown reason to me. For all the reasons I loved this drive, there was an equal amount of reasons I kinda hated it, too. 

Lesson #26: Duality is one of the most confusing aspects of being human. Period. 

I slept for 11 hours straight. I don’t think I even moved all night. And I truly did feel like a new woman that morning. I packed up my things, energetically thanked this lovely, midwestern, Christian family for generously making the lower level of their home available to a perfect stranger and on I went. 

Mary Katherine and I enjoying endless hugs in our short time together in Iowa.

Mid-morning, I got this intuitive nudge to call my (other) friend, Mary Katherine, to see where exactly she lived in Iowa since I was about to pass through. I kept seeing visions of us having lunch together which is my psychic spidey sense telling me what was coming, so naturally I obliged. She excitedly answered right away and we made plans to meet up for lunch. Mary Katherine and I met in Encinitas four years ago and she had moved home to Iowa after a very unexpected brain cancer diagnosis. She’s been showing up to all of this over the past two years like the loving warrioress that she is and continues to inspire me endlessly. Time with her felt extra precious and that it was. We caught up on life, hugged so many times, took photo booth pictures at the mall we met up at and said “I love you” a bunch of extra times. I love you, Mary Katherine!

(Update 27 of February, 2021: It saddens me to share that Mary Katherine passed away just a mere six months after I got to hug her in person. What a blessing that we got to giggle inside a photo booth together in the middle of a mall in Iowa. I’ll hold that memory in my heart forever.)

Lesson #27: Life’s curveballs have a way to presence you to what’s most important in life, LOVE topping the list. 

Lesson #28: I grew up saying “I love you” to only family members or romantic partners. As I’ve grown up, I’ve realized that’s just not enough for me. When I say “I love you,” I mean it. And I’ve become very generous with my “I love you’s” realizing they’re the #1 most renewable resources on the planet. In case I haven’t told you today, I love you. I’m very, very grateful that you’re in my life reading these words. You’re a total and complete GIFT. I hope you know that and if not, let this be your reminder. 

Me, Beth and Darius in DeKalb, IL. Sweetest. Humans. Ever.

I arrived into the small college town of DeKalb, Illinois several hours later greeted by the forever effervescent smile of Beth, a friend from college. She lived on the Northern Illinois University campus as part of a team of Resident Assistants with her husband, Darius. The students had literally *just* left campus the day before so we enjoyed the quiet hallways as we connected after almost 10 years since the last time we saw each other! We talked about her and her hubby’s upcoming move to Pittsburgh, appreciation for diversity, white privilege and all kinds of other amazing topics. I appreciate when another white woman is doing her inner work to understand the privilege that comes with having white skin in this country, particularly one in leadership surrounded by college students while knowing she has such an opportunity to embody another, more just way. I’m so grateful to you, Beth and Darius, for having me and opening your home to me when you saw I’d be “randomly” passing through. Thank you!

Cruisin’ and loving it.

Lesson #29: Before I left for my road trip, I shared with my Facebook community my plans for my journey across the country. Just in openly sharing what was unfolding for me, people literally came out of the woodwork to say “Omg, come stay with me!” It makes me tear up at how loved I felt in receiving those invitations. I share this because most people have NO IDEA what you’re going through unless you share about it. Trust me when I say, I know it’s not easy and I worried about “airing my dirty laundry in public,” too. But then I got over it because my goodness, I’m worth being loved on, especially when things feel wobbly. Let yourself be loved on by sharing what’s happening in your world - good, bad, ugly, joyful, difficult, celebratory or mundane. It’s time we let more of our human out. 

A short 1.5 hour drive from DeKalb landed me at the doorstep of my energy-work-loving-friend, Amanda, in Oak Park, Illinois. How wonderful it was to see her and to meet her family whom I had heard so many great things about. It felt good to be with her, her family and her sweet dog, Jack. I seemed to have lucked out to spend time in person with so many of the amazing souls who I can jam endlessly with on so many vast topics. For us, practical application of energy tools, universal truths and trusting ourselves were the themes. And given that I was on a journey inspired solely from intuition and trusting myself, we had plentyyyyyy to talk about. She took me to a labyrinth nearby which ended up being a holy experience for both of us in our own ways. Her and I receive our intuitive downloads in different ways so it’s always so cool to hear how the info comes through to each of us. Thank you, Amanda and family, for inviting me into your cozy, comfy home. I slept so well that night and off I went for the very last leg of my trip! 

Amanda and I boppin’ around Oak Park!

Sacred labyrinth completion moment.

“Almost there, almost there, almost there…” I chanted to myself across those seven hours between rush hour Chicago traffic and Cleveland. That drive was so familiar to me as I had driven it countless times in my college days. It’s totally flat and very midwestern in its landscape, but passing through places like Elkhart and Toledo brought back fond memories of my college rowing days driving to regattas and girl trips with my college roommate and friends bopping back and forth any chance we could get. As I reached the inner ring of the Northeast Ohio area, it was so comforting and familiar, yet so foreign and strange to be driving my car from California in my old stomping grounds. “This is so weird, this is so weird, this is soooooo weird,” I kept saying with a big grin on my face. 

Nearly there! Signs of home. #literally

Lesson #30: Entering into old, familiar spaces as a very new you is...well...weird. It’s like world’s blending, universes colliding, realities meshing together...it was all so familiar but I was so different. It’s weird until it isn’t anymore. There are treasures in the weirdness. 

As I entered into my childhood neighborhood where my parents still live in my childhood home, I knew I was entering into an alternate universe. Suburban living back to urban living. Coastal living back into midwestern living. Solo living back into family living. I had my reservations that I tried to treat as curiosities but one thing reigned true most of all:

I was so grateful to have somewhere to land after my life as I knew it came to completion.

My parents were generously opening their doors to me and I couldn’t be more thrilled for life to feel easier for awhile.

I turned on to our street and my dad happened to be on the front porch with the dogs as I pulled into the driveway. His huge, beaming smile was all I needed in that moment. I was home. I made it. I was greeted by wagging tails and a giant hug. What more does a tender-hearted, cross-country-driving girl need?

I did it.

Home, sweet, home.

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MOVING ON: Part 2

READ “MOVING ON: Part 1” HERE

The month after my partner and I split was emotionally turbulent. I had set the intention, in the relationship closure ceremony, to let myself feel it ALL. That meant crying when I felt the tears coming (which literally felt like every two seconds there for awhile), rage when I felt like raging (yelling in my car usually did the trick) and wallow if I felt like it (and I really did). I thought to myself countless times that some day, somehow, I will wakeup without major puffy eyes!

LESSON #9: Move the emotional energy when it rises as much as possible so you don’t have to be surprised by it later on down the road. Real time emotions can be intense, but they pass so much faster than letting them fester for years on end. 

As anyone might expect, there were some very low moments in those early months.

Between the uncertainty of how I was going to pay rent on my own, the gaping hole in my life that my partner used to fill, living in the same apartment...alone and being *very* far away from my closest support system, I am humbled to think back to what I was navigating all at once. 

LESSON #10: Always stop to pause and acknowledge your own strength, power and resilience, even if you’re crying while doing it. You’re a badass and you deserve it. 

I asked for help. A lot of it. I asked for financial support. A lot of it. I asked for emotional space to say all the things. A lot of it. I asked for extensions to pay my rent. A lot of them. I asked for hugs when I had the gift of in person support. A lot of them. 

LESSON #11: It is MORE THAN OKAY to ask for help. A lot of it. 

Then there came a moment while sitting in the gym parking lot talking to my parents about six weeks post-breakup where I said, “Oh my God, I need another way to navigate all of this or else I’m going to drown in my own tears.” To which my mom answered,

“Krystal, when are you gonna get pissed about all of this? WHY AREN’T YOU ANGRY?”

It was as if she asked me how to build a rocket that would fly to Saturn. I had no idea. Why hadn’t I been angry about being put in this position? My inner good girl, spiritual, dogmatic one inside was blaming myself. “I should’ve seen it coming.” “I chose to stay in the apartment, it’s my own doing.” “I should’ve chosen better.” “I should be able to figure this out.”

The truth was: Everything about this situation stunk to high heaven and I was allowed to be pissed. Thank you very much. 

LESSON #12: Should-ing on yourself DOES NOT HELP YOU pretty much ever. Shoulda-coulda-woulda. Who cares. What’s done is done. What do I need right now? And how can I ask it of myself with compassion, gentleness, softness and understanding?

LESSON #13: Letting yourself feel angry does not negate the good parts of someone you love. However, keeping at bay how they impacted you helps no one, especially you. 

LESSON #14: Keeping other people’s secrets about how they showed up with you is not your job. It’s dysfunctional and codependent in nature. Tell the truth, from your heart, about your experience from your own perspective because guess what? Your truth counts, too. 

I let myself be angry. Really, really ANGRY. I wrote fiery spoken word poetry. I danced the rage out. I drove a little too fast down the 57. I didn’t flash a smile to strangers out of obligation. It’s amazing what a rebellion it felt like. I let myself take up space in my anger. I owed nothing to no one.

I felt free. I felt honest. I felt unleashed. And it felt GOOD. 

LESSON #15: Not only was finding my anger POWERFUL, but it also helped me find my POWER. 

It was as if, by April, I woke up out of a trauma haze. It was a haze that brought up an old pattern of self-blame where I told myself everything that was happening was my fault and my responsibility to fix it. 

It was the day yet another rent payment was getting paid late. I was on the phone with a close friend and as I was crying in despair and embarrassment about not knowing what the heck I was going to do and she replied, “Krystal, have you considered asking him to pay his half? He is on the lease, isn’t he?”

Ya know, its strange looking back on this conversation because it’s so obvious but, I genuinely defaulted into “I gotta fight through and figure this out all by myself” mode that I truly didn’t even consider that I could hold him accountable for his portion of the rent. Ironically, too, I had already paid half of the rent that month and the other half was waiting to be paid. Funny how things work out that way, eh?

I broke the silence between us with a very clear and direct text saying, “Hey, I’m gonna need you to pay the remainder of the rent for April due by 6p tonight.” I clearly outlined how the remainder of the lease could go, including how we could end the lease early and his part in the process. 

Needless to say, he did not contribute financially, as expected.

However, standing up to him and standing up for me was the point of it all. I found my power that day. And thank God for it because I’ve been using it every day since. 

LESSON #16: Standing up for yourself is a good thing.

Going into 2019, my intuition told me that I would be in that apartment until June that year. Sure enough, by May, I was getting intuitive guidance on where I was meant to move next. It was between three intuitive choices: Orange County by the ocean. Seattle. Cleveland. All three places had water, my people and felt easy, three core factors in deciding anything major in my life.

When it came down to it, ease won.

It felt easiest on all fronts to move back to my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. Talk about unexpected! What a gift, though, to go back to a place so familiar at a time when familiar was medicine. 

LESSON #17: Having a home to return to is a profound gift. Not everyone can do that or even has that option. If you can return home to family or your hometown, even if you never choose it, consider yourself very privileged. Gratitude is in order. 

On Easter Sunday, I called my “little” sister and told her of my three options and within minutes of me sharing about the possibility of returning home to live in Cleveland, we were buzzing with excitement and giggling like we were ten years old! That’s always a good sign in my book. I turned around as I was talking with her on the phone and a big flash of light happened in the very same spot I quite literally saw an angel only a few months prior and I excitedly said to her,

“OMG, OMG...I JUST SAW AN ANGEL! That’s it! That’s all I need. Decision made. I’m moving to Cleveland!”

Within two weeks of that very conversation, every piece of furniture was sold with absolute ease and magic, all of my other items were donated across 12+ carloads to Goodwill and my car was packed up for a solo cross-country road trip across the beautiful US of A. The Universe delivered me a beautifully harmonious way to get out of my lease early with no extra charge to me (aside from move out costs) and I was on my way.

LESSON #18: When it’s right, it’s easy. When it’s time, it’s easy. When it’s aligned, it’s easy. Period.

LESSON #19: Keep listening and let the magic come straight to you, darling.

LESSON #20: You’ll know when you know. Until then, release the incessant worry, trust the process as much as you possibly can and ground yourself over and over and over again. What’s the point of ordering up guidance if you’re never *home* to receive it?

Read “Moving On: Part 3 - Road Trip USA” here

Start your week with EASE in mind

(and get first dibs on my newest blogs and word art!)

Receive ultra practical ease and self-care tips, soulful word art, inspired beauty and a channeled ease note each Monday for the Easy Mondays Love Letter by joining me below!

MOVING ON: Part 1

Moving on is a complex, dynamic experience. Whether its moving to a new home, leaving a job to a more aligned one, leaving behind an old, dysfunctional relationship to your body, grieving the loss of a loved one in any form...our hearts need time to catch up to the changes on the physical plane.

And one guaranteed thing I know about moving on is…

It can be MESSY AF.

This time last year I was smooth sailing in my relationship of 2.5 years at the time. We were living together and loosely planning to become engaged somewhere over the next year. 

I had just crossed paths with a spiritual teacher who, through participating in one of his online programs, I was meditating each morning with the phrase,

“I surrender my personal will into the hands of the Divine. I trust in the Divine’s plan for my life.”

Each morning I would feel the truth more and more, deeper and deeper into my cells. And each morning, I’d also hear a whisper in the back of my mind, “I hope he gets to come with me.” The thought of him not being in my life absolutely terrified me. It was visceral. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. It made me sick in my belly.

Perhaps that whisper was a foretelling knowing because within a month of beginning that mantra, things started to shift. My partner came to me expressing a desire to not live in our apartment anymore in order to not pay Orange County rent given some financial constraints he was feeling. He wanted to move in with a family member and offered for me to come with him. 

Kaboom.

It was the beginning of the end, but I didn’t know it. Because we were doing this life together and because I was “all in,” my response after the pure emotional shock of having my entire idea of home, security and safety jabbed at from the roots was to say,

“Well, we’re entrepreneurs. Let’s just make more money. We’ve done it before, so let’s do it again.”

I did my best to do exactly that. Created a new program. Applied for dog walking. Applied for virtual Project Management gigs. On and on I went and literally *nothing* was coming through. “Is it me?” I thought. “I’ve made money before in plenty of ways. Why is nothing coming through?”

LESSON #1: Here’s one thing about energetics in partnership I learned: When you’re wanting one thing to happen but your partner secretly wants something else to happen, you end up with: Inertia. Slow down. Static on the line. This is another reason I value wide open, transparent communication because I end up thinking one thing is happening while an entirely different thing is *actually* happening. 

LESSON #2: Clear, conscious communication is STILL really, really important to me. It’s my job to keep my boundaries healthy around it, as in, remind others that those boundaries are there. And if clear communication is not happening, I need to honor my truth and decide accordingly, not just sweep it under the rug. 

He moved out December 1st. We were still in relationship with each other but I walked around with the heaviness in my heart of “what the f*** is happening here?” We now lived in different places which at first, for both of us, was a relief! Which, of course, was feedback to me for what was to come. 

I traveled home to see my family for Christmas which wasn’t in the plans for the year but being in an apartment that was recently “ours”...alone...at Christmas...sounded like hell to me and honestly, I was not in a good emotional or mental headspace to survive that, too. And since paying Orange County rent all by myself very unexpectedly was also not in the plans, my parents bought me a plane ticket home. God bless them. 

When I returned to OC, I really wanted things to work. I tried EVERYTHING. I looked under every single metaphorical rock in my life to try to find some way that he could stay in my life. The thing that I couldn’t reconcile, though, was that my deep trust in him and our relationship had been shattered. All I could think of is what would happen when we had kids, joint businesses and a mortgage? I would be sentencing myself to a life of walking on eggshells and I just couldn’t do that to myself because…self-care. Because...ease. Because...I can’t teach what I teach in the world and not take care of myself behind-the-scenes. 

LESSON #3: I am worth being met FULLY. I make no compromises to fit in with anyone else’s priorities. I deserve 50/50 energetic input and balance as a baseline in ALL of my relationships.

LESSON #4: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. 

LESSON #5: My mental and emotional wellbeing is my #1 priority. 

We broke up February 1st. We had a relationship closure ceremony together. It was the greatest gift I gave to myself by doing that. We said everything that was on our hearts to share. It’s strange because...there was still so much love there. SO MUCH. A crushing amount of love in my heart and I didn’t want to not be with him. But there was a clash of core values and priorities happening, mixed with a mismatch in communication styles, and we just couldn’t go on. Square peg, round hole.

LESSON #6: You can come to completion with someone and still love them with your whole heart. 

The minute he walked out the door, I fell to my knees and cried heaving, guttural tears into the carpet. I was purging his energy. I was purging a way of being. I was purging a dysfunctional lineage cycle.

I had just chosen something that no woman in my entire lineage had ever chosen (to my knowledge). I chose my truth over my “comfort,’ “safety,” “survival,” and trauma.

LESSON #7: Your tears, your grief, your rage...are not just your own.

I was crying tears that had NEVER been cried by myself or any other woman who lived a life of emotional undernourishment, resentment and feeling unmet. I yelled and screamed with freedom and simultaneous rage that I pretended to be okay with what I was not okay with.

LESSON #8: Just because you feel what you feel, does not mean all is lost. My relationship was the best one yet and I have zero regrets. I learned endless things about myself, healed a ton and got to witness his growth of having me in his life, too. I send him love often and still dearly miss him being in my life. Dichotomies will riddle your path and allowing it all to be true without self-judgement is a beautiful, gentle gift to give yourself.

READ “Moving On: PART 2” HERE

Start your week with EASE in mind

(and get first dibs on my newest blogs and word art!)

Receive ultra practical ease and self-care tips, soulful word art, inspired beauty and a channeled ease note each Monday for the Easy Mondays Love Letter by joining me below!

ROSE MICRO MEDITATION

This week I found myself at a lakeside park for hours. Literally...hours.

I watched the water pulse towards the shore, the breeze bounce through the trees and the squeals of children playing at the park. I took a nap in my car and let nature envelop me and soothe my nervous system from the inside out.

Following my nap, I went for a nature walk in an opulent neighborhood nearby. It's funny to me because through my mind's eye, I thought I was going on an abundance activation walk. This is what I call walks through very opulent neighborhoods and I consciously presence myself to the abundance that surrounds me. While I "thought" I knew what was happening, something else took place entirely.

I ended up in a lakeside rose garden. Mmmm...

I took photo after photo of singular magenta roses (my favorite color!) surrounded by lush green bushes and bright blue sky and waters behind them. It was GORGEOUS. I took over 100 photos of this scenery and yet, there's one :17 video of a cluster of pink roses that absolutely stole my heart. The sounds, the colors, the movement...just divine.

Turns out, these single roses ended up being the abundance activation that I needed, not the half million dollar lakeside properties. Interesting, eh?

For me, it's how these roses make me feel in my heart.

For you, it might be something entirely different.

My invitation is for you to take a deep breath and click play below.

Be with this cluster of pink roses.

Play it as many times as you feel called to and see what you become present to within yourself.

Let yourself go deep within and see what's there.

Let the ancient land and waters of Lake Erie call forward your deep inner callings.

Let the ease wash over you.

Let these sacred roses remind you of your nature.

I MADE IT THROUGH: A Poem

Listen here on Sound Cloud:

http://bit.ly/IMadeItThroughSoundCloud

I made it through

The dark, dark months

The relentless stripping

Of all that suited no more

I turned an undeniable corner

It was just on time

I begged, I pleaded for that corner

And it arrived in the hand of the Divine

All this power I thought I had

Was a false illusion that cut deep, deep, deep

The more I surrendered, the more got stripped away

The more I lined up with the truth of me, amen

The truth of me reaches beyond the known measures

No perfectionism could save me

From the pain of hiding in comfort

Comfort that nearly swept me away

Revisiting who we are is an imperative practice

For we change vastly on the growth path

If we deny the call to reset

the universe will kindly and fiercely do it for us

Flags pass by, hiding chosen again

Safety trumping truth

Until truth emerges as it does

To break open what hardened over time

Coming back to love

Alignment at the core

Nature in harmony with itself

Modeling for us to live the same

Photo by: Jayne Goodall

“GOD, ARE YOU READY?"

You know that luscious feeling? It’s as if you and your journal are one. The energy is flowing, the ideas are pouring through, something else is moving your pen and you’re so IN your body that nothing can disturb that delicious moment of you and the Divine communing together. 

*B L I S S*

As my heart started to mend itself just this last month or two, the words started to come back. Were they truly gone? Eh...who knows? What I do know is that when I was in the goo of a caterpillar (my old self) somehow becoming a majestic butterfly (my new self), there were no words. For me to be without words was, frankly, a scary feeling. It’s like not being able to feel God or the Universe. No matter what has gone on in my life since I was about eight years old, I’ve always been able to write my feelings through. Words have always been my medicine and vehicle for contentment and purpose. 

Do you remember me teaching often about creating a life you don’t need a vacation from? Well, I honestly lost sight of that for the last year. When life’s curveballs arrive, surrendering to where you’re being redirected becomes paramount if you’re to allow ease to still be present in your life. 

**Pause**

Let’s take that in:

When life’s curveballs arrive, SURRENDERING to where you’re being redirected becomes PARAMOUNT if you’re to allow EASE to still be present in your life. 

Ease became more important to me than the RESULTS or EXTERNAL APPEARANCE of a dream life. What was going down in my world (i.e. where the universe was leading me) was the opposite of the dream life I thought I wanted, needed and was questing for. How ‘bout that for some real talk. Phew. Humbling. 

Sometimes you think you know best. And then, God/Universe reminds you who’s actually in charge. #justsayin Have you been there before?

So, what does this have to do with words?

When the energy started to come back on the business/leadership front, I *knew* in my soul of soul of soulllllls that for ANYTHING I do in my business, leadership and art, it HAD to come from a place of 100% divine guidance, divine timing and it had to be a total pleasure for me to do/create. Otherwise, what happens? I resist it, avoid it and make it this weird, funky burden and interruption to my flow. I’m realizing more and more (and more!) that when I resist something in that way, more times than not, I’m forcing myself to do something *I* think is the right thing rather than waiting for the true guidance to come through me. >>insert eyeroll emoji here<<

Even though I was chomping at the bit to get going on the biz and writing front, the Divine wasn’t giving me the “GO” for...ANYTHING. Ugh! It was so frustrating! I remember talking it out to my sister and close friend saying,

“I’m READY!! Gawwwddddddd. How much longer is this gonna takkkkke?!”

And it was super confronting, too. All my conditioned thoughts reared their heads again. “You’re just being lazy.” “You’re never gonna make money again.” “Are they forgetting about me?” “You just disappeared and now you’re hiding.” Lies, lies, liiiiieeeeessssssss.

But then...as it always does, the energy shifted. The inspiration came. The time came. The guidance came.

For what, you ask? For the…

Easy Mondays Love Letters.

These weekly digital love letters are meant to be own special version of feeling one with the Divine, just like those luscious journal moments. One with you. One with your truth. One with each other on this soul-aligned path. It is a heartfelt invitation into more ease each Monday. 

And who doesn’t LOVE to receive a love letter?! Makes me tear up!

We’ll talk ease…

we’ll talk truth via Word Art…

we’ll talk beauty…

we’ll talk self-care and ease tips.

And it feels so aligned for me to create, too! I’ve been feeling more private and intentional these days. I want to know that I’m speaking with people who are actually listening and WANTING to hear from me, not just scrolling by unconsciously. It’s the “Projector” in me that wants a clear invitation so I can fully share my gifts openly and know that said gifts are actually helping you. 

When you opt-in for the love letters, that’s an invitation. You’re literally inviting me into your mailbox each Monday and that’s just so precious and sacred to me. If you’ve loved what I’ve shared on social media these past few years, you’ll likely be surprised at how the level of intimacy will increase because now I know it’s just you and me hanging out on a Monday morning. 

Soooo that, my friend! If you want in on this sacred, connective, easy gift each Monday, I put the sign-up link right here for you: http://bit.ly/EasyMondaysLoveLetter <3

It’s super easy (#naturally). Just enter your name and email, confirm your email and you’re in. (If you don’t see the email right away, be sure to check your spam, trash or “promotions” folder and move to inbox.)

In such rocky times externally, to declare to the Universe that you’re only available for EASY MONDAYS, love and sacredness to start your week, do you even get how powerful that is? Do you understand how that sets you apart from the chaos, instability and fear that envelops us each day? 

You get to CHOOSE to start your week with intention, connection to your soul and love. This literally is the embodiment of the COURAGE it takes to quest for EASE as a modern day human. It looks like this. So simple, yet profound. #courageofease

There’s nothing more counterculture than to ground yourself, love yourself and see yourself as a sacred extension of God, the Universe and nature. Not just once, but every...single...week.

If that doesn’t get your inner rebel all revved up, I don’t know what does!! I know mine is ready for September 2nd to get here already! Ha! Mark your calendars for Love Letter #1 to arrive. She’s-a-comin-your-way!

Sign up here: http://bit.ly/EasyMondaysLoveLetter

JOURNAL MAGIC: Take some time to reflect on these: 

• When was the last time you felt one with the Divine? What were you doing? How did you feel? Do you feel available for that to happen again?

• Where in your life do you get impatient with God/Universe/Divine?

• Have you ever written yourself a love letter? Wanna do it again? :)

• How do you engage your inner “Sacred Rebel?” (Phrase coined by Alana Fairchild) The one who, with the help of your soul, is here to shake shit up through divine inspiration and action. How could you invite her/him/them into your everyday life more?

IMPORTANT: Each of these written devotional pieces have their own magic embedded in them. They’re meant to be “Ease Activations” amidst your everyday life. They’re designed and intended for you to find the magic in the mundane so you can remember that there is NOTHING mundane or ordinary about you. Letting it be easy never looked so dang magical and gorgeous. I love you!